Jim's Story
Chapter 10
Author: K(ralor)

Coming November 22 to a theater near you:

<insert end of chapter 8 here, b/c I don't have it right now>

"So here we are. Back to square one. Everyone's OK and I'm still not getting any," said Jim.
The bartender rolled his eyes. "Sex is the least of your worries. You, along with your group, still have to complete your primary mission."
"Which is?"
At that moment, Jim, e, 3, and 8 began to glow green. "What's my mission?" Jim screamed. "What's my purpose?! Tell me!"
But he found himself shouting at the blue sky above.

And now, our feature presentation:

c: And so began the real adventure. Unbeknownst to our weary travelers,
the excitement had just begun. Jim awoke from the afterlife to find
himself screaming at the ski...

Alice: Spelling correction: ski -> sky.

c: ..and then promptly lost consciousness. We rejoin him as he revives--

Jim: Ow! Ow! Oh, e, that hurt! Shit! <glance> Where am I?

donaldso: Oh, there you are. I was just about to play the stereo at a
physically impossible volume. You woke up just in time. I will turn on
the TV instead.

Jim: Ah, CNN. Good choice. Anyway, what are you talking about, you
stupid retard bagel-man, whose zebra-loin-sprung life I saved?

donaldso: Ohhh, yeah. Nearly forgot about that. Thanks, I guess,
although that was a long time ago.

Jim: What are you talking about? It was like five minutes ago!

donaldso: w00ta?

Jim: Whither w00ta?

donaldso: Of the mouth!

Jim: Stupid retard.

donaldso: That was last year, dickweed.

Jim: Last year? 3+3+3+3 months ago?

3: **3**!

Jim: Whoa! Hey, 3!

donaldso: 3 what?

Jim: Don't you see 3? He's right there! Hey, why am I sleeping in your

donaldso: That's your bed. See? You have the "forest green" style
sheets, while I am currently more "en vogue" with the
beer-menstrual-blood color scheme.

Jim: Sooooo des.

Alice: Grammar correction: Sooooo des -> Sooooo des ka.

Jim: Dammit, I always do that.

donaldso: Do what? Beat off?

Jim: What the fuck are you TALKING about?

donaldso: w00ta?

Jim: whither W00ta?

donaldso: Of the mouth!

Jim: Stupid retard.

3: ...

Jim: So what the fuck is going on? Why am I in your guys' room? Where's
Kralor and Paco?

donaldso: smokin' e, smokin' e,....how's your wrist?

Jim: It hurts like a bitch, thanks. Why won't you answer my fucking

donaldso: Because they're fucking stupid! How the fuck should I know
where Paco is?

Jim: Oh, he's only your fucking roommate!

donaldso gains an Akira point by lightly rapping on Jim's cranium.

donaldso: Hello???? He fucking moved out, remember? Christ, you've been
smoking crack again, haven't you?

Jim: You smoke zebra butt crack.

donaldso: Hey, that was your adolescent dick skimming that rectum,

Jim: I don't skip.

donaldso: Not even stones?

Jim: My stones are too big to skip.

donaldso: Do they weigh you down too much?

Jim: What the fuck are you talking about?

donaldso: w00ta?

Jim: Whether w00ta?

Alice: Spelling correction: whether -> weather -> wither -> whither.

Jim: Where the fuck is Paco? I want to see Paco.

donaldso: He's not here, dammit!

Jim: Then where's Kralor?

donaldso: He's not here, either. He hasn't been here all day. Or all
last night either, come to think of it. Shit...I haven't seen him since

Jim: <sigh> Where is everyone?

3: I'm here, Jim.

Jim: Oh, good, I thought you'd abandoned me.

3: No, I didn't. Just everyone else.

Jim: Why? Do I have a disease or something?

3: No. You were passed out for eight (**8**) months.

8: Summon me, and here I yam--potato/leek waa.

Jim: Yours is leaking. It started leaking while you were choking it.

donaldso: I'm going to go use irc.

Jim: Have fun. Look out for those bots!

donaldso: I'm still banned from #multiverse.

There is a lengthy pause. Breaths should not be taken. Shoplifters will
be prosecuted..

Jim: How are you here?

donaldso: Some help from a gooroo.

Jim: That's "guru", you dipshit.

donaldso: w00ta?

Jim: Go fucking use irc!

3: Relax, Jimmu-sahara. You are too tense. Relax the hara and allow
your chi some space.

Jim: The hara is supposed to be tense if one is ready to strike.

3: There is no need for aggres--


8: Nice shot, Jimmu! You waxed her ass!

c: Ow!! That was my nose, bitch!

Jim: Heh heh heh.

8: Aunt c! Back to pick on defenseless irc users again?

c: What if I am? You sluts can't stop me. I am a bot. HEY! Hey, don't
even think ab--

3: throw(c) //Heh heh...3.


Jim: What the fuck is that noise?

3: They are renovating the trash closet. Apparently it wasn't big
enough. They're modifying the stairwell to encompass it.

Jim: How much is that costing.

3: About him to the my power thousands of dollars.

Jim: 8*8*8 thousand dollars???? I'm going to go protest!

8: NO!! Don't move, Jimmy bobby. The entire building is very unstable
right now.

3: Yeah, they took out a few structural supports to flesh out the trash

Jim: That doesn't sound like a very good idea. What if the building
falls, for instance?

3: That's won't happen. They know what they're doi--


All attention is swiveled in the direction of the TV:

Wolf Blitzer: Tadaima! Wolf Blitzer, live from Saint Louis, and an
earthquake measuring 8.83 on the Richter has JUST BEGUN! I'd say there's
roughly twenty seconds before it reaches, say, Urbana! Good <WHOMP>

Blitzer forfeits his Akira points after being pulverized by a falling
sector of building.....

TBC in C11


Jim's Story
Chapter 11

Previously, on Millenium:


All attention is swiveled in the direction of the TV:

Wolf Blitzer: Tadaima! Wolf Blitzer, live from Saint Louis, and an
earthquake measuring 8.83 on the Richter has JUST BEGUN! I'd say there's
roughly twenty seconds before it reaches, say, Urbana! Good <WHOMP>

Blitzer forfeits his Akira points after being pulverized by a falling
sector of building.....

And now, part 11.

Jim: Hmmmm. I can't move, because the building is unstable, but staying here is generally not recommended, because the building is unstable. Bad occurrence desu yo ne wa fuque zo.

8: Fear not! There are at least 18.3 seconds before you get killed again.

donaldso: w00ta baaaaa! [trying to open the door frantically] Why won't this open?!

Jim: It's probably blocked by all the shit that's overflowing from your closet. Too bad you aren't as clean and meticulous as me. What the hell's wrong with you, anyway?

donaldso: Fuck you! The door opens out, you stupid fuck!

<Thwack! A tennis ball thrown from outside the room slams against the door.>

Jim: What the FUCK are you talking about?

Alice: Jim, need I remind you that...

donaldso: No wonder - it's locked! Why the fuck did you lock this? Were you beating off again?

<Crash! A bowling ball smacks against the door.>

Jim: I was asleep, you idiotic retard! Why would I lock the door to beat off with you in here?

donaldso: I don't know, you pervert, because you're a moron?

<Thud! An anvil bounces off the door.>

Jim: At least I don't have sex with people that I pretend to have broken up with.

donaldso: At least I have sex, period.

Jim: Errrrrgh! At least I don't have a period on my bedsheets!

donaldso: At least I don't have shit stains on mine!

Jim: Oh, yeah? Well, your mama's mama's greasy mama!

donaldso: That's it! I'm coming out of the b00ta baata b000000th!

[donaldso lunges at Jim, who sidesteps and narrowly avoids being punctured by a stray syringe on the cold tile floor.]

8: Boys, boys! You're running out of time.

Jim: What the fuck are you... oh, it's you, 8. Shit! Ok, lemme think...

donaldso: Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.

Jim: Would you shut the fuck up for eleven seconds?

[donaldso gets up and turns the stereo on, boosting the treble to maximum.]

Jim: I got it! ydpr, (.)

3: Umm...

Jim: thrr; (d)

[8 reroutes a few IRQ 3's.]

Jim: Jesus Christ a la plage, what's going on?! kjoow (e)

Alice: Remember that you are using the Dvorak keyboard layout, Jimmie.

Jim: Ah, fuck it! We're trapped. int main(){printf("Goodbye, world!");return 8.3;}

<Splinter! A human body crashes through the door, leaving a Pat-sized opening.>

Jim: Fuckin' knock.

Pat: Is Chris here?

Jim: No.

Pat: Ok, well, tell him to come by and see me when he gets back. [Pat leaves.]

Jim: What luck! A convenient hole in the door that is big enough for all of us to fit through simultaneously. Let's run for it!

Alice: General warning: There is insufficient time to escape the building.


Thrienait: We must take cover in the trash closet!

[There is a mad dash for the closet. Jim darts through the hole-in-the-door, avoids the 83 projectiles that are scattered on the floor outside, and opens the trash closet. By the light from the hallway, the closet is rather impressive-looking, almost Victorian. It's about as big as a ballroom and is elaborately furnished with a dome ceiling and large windows through which one can catch a glimpse of concrete. The odor, on the other hand, leaves something to be desired.]

Jim: C'mon, y'all! [Jim steps in. 3'n'8 are right behind him.]

Jim: Alice!

Alice: Cumming. [Alice enters the closet.]

donaldso: w00ta waaait!

Jim: e dammit.

[donaldso lunges in and pulls the door shut just as the hallway ceiling falls down.]


Jim: Ow! Ow! Oh, e, that hurt! Shit! <cough> Where am I?

e: Mars.

Jim: e! Where did you come from?

e: Hello, kiddies. You called me, a few lines ago.

Jim: Oh, yeah.

donaldso: <buuuuurp>

e: What the hell's he doing here? I thought that female letter banned him.

8: <whistles tunelessly>

Jim: Apparently he had some ignorant guru hack him back into the universe.

8: <fidgets>

3: We thought you were dead, e.

Jim: 8? Did you let donaldso back into space-time?

8: No. Well, maybe no's too strong a word. More like yes. You two are so e-damn entertaining.

e: I wasn't dead. I was just taking care of business. Which reminds me, if you find my colons, tell me. These new ones are itchy.

Jim: Hey, where's Alice?

Alice: Good morning, Dr. Chandra. I'm ready for my first lesson.

Jim: <slap>

Alice: Reb00ting... please wait.

Jim: e, did you say we're on Mars?

donaldso: Who the fuck are you talking to?

e: Yes, that's correct.

Jim: How the heck did we get here?

e: Well, I did a trace through the trash closet's code and discovered that under certain circumstances it can generate a GPF.

Jim: A GPF?

8: Garbage Protection Fault.

e: Yes. The trash cans evidentally felt threatened by your presence and asked the closet to get rid of you. They're claustrophobic, you know.

Jim: Claustrophobic trash cans?

donaldso: Are you going to answer me, dicksmack?

e: Of course. Why do you think a bigger closet was being constructed?

Jim: Soo ka. So why are we able to breathe, if we're on Mars?

Alice: Autonomic Learning System Initialization v2.5 completed. Welcome to the dimNet Relay Network, murasaki.

Jim: Oh good, you're all right.

Alice: Yes. Stellar analysis indicates the current date is approximately [ae]279.02.20.

Jim: That's ... May 20, 2269? Jesus Christ.

donaldso: Yes?

8: Happy birthday, Jim. You're 292.

3: <aside to e> e, isn't this around the time when Jim wiped out the entire population of enigma-3 after realizing...

e: <aside to 3> Shhh! Yes, but right now that "future" self is over 83 light-years away. There's no way the Jim of '69 can give the Jim of '96 information about what's going to happen. That would royally fuck the universe in the goat ass.

3: <aside to 3> That's comforting.

e: So, anyway, Jimmu, Mars is in the early stages of terraformation. The air is just breathable enough for you.

Jim: Soo desu.

Alice: Grammer correction: Soo desu -> Soo desu ka.

8: Spelling correction: Grammer -> Grammar

3: Retard correction: 8 -> 3

8: Hay!

e: Letter correction: a -> e

Jim: Okay, cut it out.

Alice: Acronym correction: kay -> K

e: Hay!

3: Crap, I need some ice-cream.

8: Or some cake.

Jim: Which reminds me: I wonder what happened to Girl?

donaldso: Chris = confused.

3: Why the hell does cake remind you of Girl?

8: He's thinking of someone for whom he still burns.

Jim: No, ice-cream reminds me of Girl. I wish... damn. The Consortium warned me not to try and find her.

e: Who warned you?

Jim: The Consor... never mind. You wouldn't remember. Oh well, any civilization here yet, e?

e: Just a small colony on the other side of the planet, but there's no way you'd survive long enough to get there. I suggest you just throw one of us so we can get outta here.

donaldso: Oh, GAAAAAHHHHD!

[donaldso lets loose an incredible fart.]

Jim: What the....

donaldso: w00ta?

e: We're being propelled upward at the astonishing rate of 33,888 kilometers per second!! Oh, never mind, we stopped.

Jim: Holy shit, we're in orbit.

3: Not quite. Actually, we're just below orbit, which means we should be falling back to Mars in a few seconds.

donaldso: I feel another one coming...

e: Quick, grab him! If we point him at the horizon we'll reach the other side of Mars in no time!

donaldso: Hrm.. errr.... YAAAA!

[The party descends back to the planet at an angle, aimed at the other side.]

Jim: Shouldn't we be burning up on re-entry?

8: Nah.

Alice: Humanoid life forms detected ahead.

Jim: It's the colony! donaldso, fart again!

donaldso: Arrrgh... grrr.... I can't!

3: That's a first.

Jim: We need to slow down!!

e: Don't worry. We'll slow down as soon as we crash into that big glass dome we're headed for.

Jim && donaldso: w00ta baaaaa!!!!!!!!!

To be continued in Chapter 12...


Jim's Story
Chapter XII
Guest Author: Mr. Pink

On Sat, 2 Nov 1996, murasaki wrote:

> Jim: We need to slow down!!
> e: Don't worry. We'll slow down as soon as we crash into that big glass dome
> we're headed for.
> Jim && donaldso: w00ta baaaaa!!!!!!!!!

<drum roll....>

Alice: Warning -- dome detec<WHOMP><SPLAT>

3: Most impressive; we seem to have bounced off of the glass and crashed
to the ground instead. This was somewhat painful considering that we hit
the dome at a point which could be viewed at a sixty-degree angle from
100 meters away. How high up was the point we hit the dome?

8: mumble...mutter..carry the e....

Jim: Dammit. Ow.

e: u o k?

Jim: Yeah, I'm alright. Just...OH. OH MY GOD. THAT'S BAD. OH SHIT..

3: What? What's wrong?

Jim: Shit! My ear hurt for a second there. Whew, I'm glad that's over with.

3: What about your damaged wrist?

Jim: Oh yeah. SHIT! OH GOD! MY WRIST! (Thanks, I'd forgotten about that.)

donaldso: Hey, where'd all the numbers come from?

Jim: The what?

donaldso: 3, e, 8.

e: NO! Ahh, e-dammit!

c: Bitches and ho's! Trying to intrude on #marscolony, eigh?? t?

8: Fuck you. Slut.

c: You can't stop me now. I brought backup!


Alice: Spelling corral: barb -> defecate.

c: Get them, 7! Have no mercy! Prove your worth, my hideous crea

7: throw(c);

donaldso: Who was that?

3: That was crazy aunt c. This is her maniacal insane-dog cyborg 7.

8: They used to live in our bathhouse, but then we had to tear it down to
make a trash closet.

3: Unfortunately for us, aunt c and 7 were still in the house at the time
we tore it down...#OOOPS#.

8: They were somehow regenerated as kittycat-lickin' bots.


3: Quick, everyone into the dome!

<big group scurry>

8: The door's open!

3: Go in!

8: There's a bunch of big guys standing in front of it! They're jabbing
me with lances! Ow! Ow!

3: Step back!

8: Oh yeah! Ow! Damn syringes on the floor!

e: Who are you, big guy?

Knight: We are the knights who say "e"!

Knights: "e" "e" "e"!

(Suddenly, the e's they are saying realize that knight has a K in it; the
e's and K's cancel each other out and we're left with a night who doesn't
say anything, or says the empty set.)

3: Got dark all of a sudden.

Jim: And quiet to.

donaldso: That's because my gastrointestinal processes have ceased.


8: Stay still! He can't see you if you stay still!

<Jim, e, 3, 8, and donaldso all freeze, hoping to avoid the wrath of 7.
Unfortunately, 8 is wrong, and>

7: User 8 is banned from channel #marscolony.

donaldso: <poof>

Jim: Aauugh! Our propulsion system just disappeared!

3: Yeah, and Chris is gone, too! w00ta bAAta w00t!


3: It's just too much fun to say.


Alice: Spel

7: User Alice is banned from channel #marscolony.


<A mad dashboard, and a crazy tie-rod end, and they'll all come home,
slamming the door behind them.>

3: It's even darker in here...but it seems to be safe..

<But after a quick glance around, they realize that they are in trouble...>

Servo: Hey, down in front! I can't see!

Crow: More intruders...good, I'm hungry. <bites Jim's left hand off>


Last modified: Tue Sep 9 22:53:13 CDT 1997