Jim's Story: 13

Jim's Story
Chapter 13 (gasp!)

It was written:

3: It's even darker in here...but it seems to be safe..

Servo: Hey, down in front! I can't see!

Crow: More intruders...good, I'm hungry. <bites Jim's left hand off>

And we resume.

Jim: Jee-zus H. Kee-riiste! My hand ... my right hand is gone!

3: Left.

Jim: What?

3: Your left hand.

Jim: Whatever! OH GOD IT HURTS IT HURTS IT Hmmmm. Strangely, my wrist feels much better now.

e: Yes, it does. And the stage has been set for a future chapter in which your severed hand is replaced by a bionic one a la Empire Strikes Back [which title, incidentally, contains three e's].

3: Three... I like that number. Has a nice ring to it. Denwa!

Jim: If only Alice were still here, so she could warn me.

3: Can you manage with only one hand?

Jim: It'll be difficult to type and wack it simultaneously, but you know what they say.

3: What?

Jim: Absence makes the heart say e.

Crow: Are you guys going to shut up or what? We're trying to criticize this movie. <burp>

Jim: That sounds like ... Crow! Which means this is...

Joel: ... the Satellite o' Love, boys.

Jim: So we're on MST3

e: Watch it...

Jim: ...e! And you're Joel! Wait, that is you, Joel, and not your cheap-ass imitation Mike, right?

Joel: It sure is me. Now be quiet.

Jim: So what are you being forced to watch this time?

Crow: It's some campy flick. We can't figure out if it's supposed to be a comedy, a drama or a pile of shit.

3: Well, what's happening right now?

Joel: Right now we're watching some guy sleep in his dorm room. Hey, look at me, I'm Jesus Christ and I'm sleeping! What fun!

Crow: Oh, his roommate's sneaking over to the stereo, oh, this is gonna be great! Look at that cinematography! I wonder what's going to happen next? He's pressing the power button... hey, what's wrong with the tint?

e: Looks like that sleeping guy is glowing green.

Joel: Look at me, I'm The Incredible Hulk! Jesus Hulk Christ!

Servo: Oh, boy - the green guy's waking up. Maybe the plot will start now.

Joel: No, it's time for a break.

[The gang follows Joel and the robots to the ship's control room.]

Gypsy: Hi gy wuta ba...

Servo: Hiya Gypsy.

Woman's voice: Eight seconds until commercial sign.

3: 8... I never got a chance to... I just wish I could have told him, in the living years.

e: 8's still alive, silly threee. He's just banned from #marscolony.

3: I'm gonna kick that fucking bot's ass when I see her, that stupid-ass dirty-ass nasty-ass slut! I'll shoot her in the leg, shoot her in the thigh, kick her in the pussy and punch her in the eye!

Woman's voice: Three seconds until commercial sign.

3: Knee to the pussy, kick to the skull...

e: Chill, 3.

3: 7 got mad 'cause c got licked. I didn't give a fuck so I shot him in the dick!

Woman's voice: Commercial sign.

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To order your 8 oz. tube of Exception Reflection Protection Gel and free box of cereal, send 38 trillion akira points to: ERPG, c/o Anus Chemical Co., 33E888 Curdsan Way, Chocklie, Optimus Prime, Xorinia. Limit 3 per household. Sorry, no AOD's.

Singers: MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATERRRR, THREE E-OUSAND!

3: Sniff... Frosted e was 8's favorite...

Jim: Wut the... the gravity's fuct!

Joel: The movie's starting and we're getting sucked back into the theater, as of late.

Crow: No! I can't take any more of this!

Servo: Chill, Crow.

Crow: No! I refuse to be a ho, prostituted for some science experiment! Gypsy, help me! Aaaaaaaaaaugh!

Gypsy: thru (eee)

<boink>

Jim: Ohhhh, I'm getting queasy from all this throwing <retch>

3: Who you calling wretch?

e: How did she do that?

Jim: <gag> Beats me. You coded it.

3: No, I think R coded Gypsy. Oh.

e: 3, does my hair look okay?

R: Hi, big boys.

e: <blushes> (whispering) Oh, e, it's R...

Jim: R? What is this?

3: e has a crush on R.

e: Shhh!

3: HE WANTS TO FUCK HER IN THE ASS.

e: Shhhhh! <giggle>

3: R's real nice to look at, Jim, but she's a ditz. She has this annoying habit of making irrelevant general statements that have no place in the flow of conversation.

R: Consumer goods are more lavish, and trash has increased.

3: Now you understand the method behind Gypsy's madness.

Jim: That's from Othello, right?

R: Anyway, where's 8?

8: Here I yam! yo

3: 8 factorial!

8: Took you long enough to leave Mars. Oh, no...

3: Yep. R.

R: e38R1!!

8: Someone throw her, please. She's almost as annoying as donaldso.

e: NO! I mean, no. That would be ruuuude to R guest. It's been a long time since we made lo... since we last met.

R: How are you, e?

e: I'm fine, and you?

R: Oh, I've been better. My whole family is fighting and I'm just a little stressed out right now.

e wanted to make her feel better, and knew how to, but did R really want e's long pulsating serif in her R-sehole, or was it just his over-active imagination? Then she said,

R: What are you up to?

e got a hold of himself and just risked total embarrassment - I mean, what did e have to lose? So e said,

e: Well, if you let me, I'm going to fuck your e-damn brains out!

R: What??

e: I want to rip your fuckin' clothes off and fuck you like you've never been fucked before!

3: Oh, Christ.

8: No!

donaldso: B00ta baa baa baa! woot

R: Why do you want me so badly?

e: Because you're the fuckin' hottest bitch I've ever seen!

R: Well, I guess I could go for a good fuck now.

[e and R duck behind a nearby cactus.]

Jim: Cactus? My e, we're in a vast wasteland!

8: If only that bot were here now, I'd show her a thing or two. Hey, wait, 3! I've got an ideal. <pspswpswpspspsw>

Alice: Freudian slip: made love -> last met (offset 0x3e)

Jim: Alice! When did you get here :-/

Alice: Response :: "I've been here ever since -> 'Jim: Ohhhh, I'm getting queasy from Alice throwing <retch>'".

3: Great ideal, 8. disable_interrupts(taco);

Jim: Nani? What is it, man?

3: You'll just have to wait and c!

<ding>

c: Oh, yes! Gonna give 'em some Maniac magic. User 8 is bann

3: delete[] 8;

Jim: WHAT??

Alice: System Notification: 41 bytes freed

c: Wh... Well, 3, it seems that I have underestimated your stupidity. Now rot in #hell! User 3 is b

3: 8 8 = new 8(3);

*** c is telefragged ***

8: Woohoo! Take that, bitch!

3: That weak, pathetic fool. enable_interrupts(taco);

8: All too easy.

Jim: She gets crazier by the chapter, doesn't she.

Alice: Spelging correction: ideal -> idael

[Suddenly, without prior warning, the landscape is magically and instantaneously transformed into a jungle paradise for 65 (6 + 5 = 11; 11 = 8 + 3) miles in each direction. Akira!]

Alice: General warning, forestation imminent.

R: Oh e, that was wonderful.

e: I think I screamed my own name.

3: Ugh. So... what to do?

Jim: I guess we start walking. Wait a minnit. Have any of you ever had deja vu? Because I've had it several times already during our adventures, and I'm having it right now.

8: Nope. Don't quite get your meaning.

donaldso: woot?

Jim: It's like I've heard myself say these exact words before... oh, no matter. Let's go, guys.

2bc n 14

-----------------------------

murasaki

Last modified: Tue Sep 9 23:00:03 CDT 1997