Jim's Story
Chapter 4 (guest author, Orenji-sama)
In the last chapter--
Jim: An abstract class can't be instantiated. Therefore, I shouldn't even
physically exist.
e: No!
|| SYS18112: Page fault in module jim.cpp. Program ALL.EXE will be
terminated abnormally. ||
e: Quick! Someone throw me!
3, 8, Girl, Alice, Zebra: throw (e)
And now...<drum roll> Chapter 4:
#include <quark.h>
#include <space.h>
#include <_time.h>
ParticleCollection initUniv()
{
ParticleCollection universe;
universe.comp = new neutron[1000000000000000000000000000000000000000];
beginTime();
do
{neutronStability--;}
while (universe.stable == true); //no longer true when neutronStability
//is less than 5000.
bigBang(universe);
}
At DBX Debugger reads(neutronStability == 1987832795553),
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
e: OW! Ow! Oh e, that hurt! Ooooh.
Girl: What happened? Where are we?
e: Damn! e was thrown several different directions!
3: 3 can't believe he did that! Stupid fucker.
Girl: Who? Jim?
3: Tampering with ALL.EXE is inadvisable, even for experienced reality
technicians like ourselves! For a member of the program itself to tamper
with it is unthinkable! 3 can't believe we avoided that abnormal
termination!
e: Am e all here? Can anyone see me?
Girl: I can't see a thing. Where's Alice? Where's 8?
3: Where's that Zebra? 3 can't see anything either.
e: Neither can e! What's going on here? My blindness is not part of the
program.
3: We're far outside the boundaries of the program, I'm afraid.
Alice: Alert -- DBX Debugger reads (neutronStability == 3333833338).
e: What's that?? e don't remember coding neutronStability.
3: You coded your throw, though. Where did you throw yourself? Where's
your catch block?
e: Somewhere in 8's code. e think it was somewhere in PRIMORDL.EXE.
Where is 8?
************************* Elsewhere...
8: Jim? Jim, are you there?
Jim: 8! What's happening?
8: You made us throw e! Sheeeiit. Do you know how lucky you are to be
instantiated?
Jim: Oh, yeah. I remember that now. I was a mop for a while.
8: Soo ka. Want some ice cream?
Jim: Sure. So <lick> what's going on? Where is everything?
8: Over there somewhere. You can't see it from here.
Jim: Can't see what?
8: Everything. That is what you asked about...8 presumed you mean the
data members of the ALL.EXE classes, right?
Jim: Well, yeah...what else is there?
8: <chuckles> So much more, Jimmy-sama. There is myself.
Jim: You're not a member of ALL.EXE?
8: 8 wrote it. 8 couldn't very well be instantiated outside a program.
Jim: So what are you?
8: 8'm hardware.
Jim: You're WHAT???
8: Yes. I'm actually several major universe IRQs.
Jim: Whoa!
8: Thank you. Are you cold?
Jim: No. Why?
8: There's no heat, really..
Jim: Oh. <shivers>
8: There should be soon...
Alice: Alert -- DBX Debugger reads (neutronStability == 333388).
Jim: What's that? What's going on?
8: We've been thrown to PRIMORDL.EXE. Bad timing, though...the Big Bang
is coming up somewhere here, and 8'm afraid that your instantiated form
can't survive...guess 8'll have to revise this code...
Jim: How am I even instantiated? I thought I was...<sniff>...abstract.
8: You were. 8 overloaded your virtual functions with dummy functions,
just to see if 8 could. More as a test of reading through e's code than
anything....he's got a pathetic style. Extraneous namespaces
everywhere. Damn annoying. Plus, he uses "auto" all the time.
Jim: Eh?
8: Yeah.
Alice: Alert -- DBX Debugger reads (neutronStability == 8388).
Jim: Where is she?
8: With everything.
Jim: Soo ka.
8: We'd better find somewhere to hide before the Big Bang exploits the
instabilities in your instantiated form.
Jim: How much time do we have?
Alice: Alert -- DBX Debugger reads (neutronStability == 5002).
8: Uhh...
--to be continued...?
----------------------------------
Jim's Story
Chapter 5
Last week, on er:
8: We've been thrown to PRIMORDL.EXE. Bad timing, though...the Big Bang
is coming up somewhere here, and 8'm afraid that your instantiated form
can't survive...guess 8'll have to revise this code...
Jim: Soo ka.
8: We'd better find somewhere to hide before the Big Bang exploits the
instabilities in your instantiated form.
Jim: How much time do we have?
Alice: Alert -- DBX Debugger reads (neutronStability == 5002).
8: Uhh...
And now, part 5.
Jim: How much time?
8: Well, time won't even be created for another 10^-34 seconds, so it's meaningless right now. Duh.
Alice: Alert -- DBX Debugger reads (neutronStability == 5000).
8: The universe has become unstable. You will now be permanently destroyed. Sorry about that, J-ster.
Jim: No! This can't all be for nothing! I've gotta get out of here before
Alice: You've got mail.
From: Society of e <friends-of-e@xorinia.dim.gov>
Subject: The Big Bang (f/mmmmmmmmmmm ... )
Apparently-To: all-entities@taco.universe12.org
Date: Sun, 28 Apr 13267384122 B.C.E. 11:17:40 -0000
The Big Bang
The crowd gathered around my naked wife was finished. She was
extremely exhausted after masturbating in front of the forty-seven men,
many of which were total strangers. The huge black
-- Size Limit Exceeded! [48T] --
Alice: End message. Thank you for using DimNet.
8: 8 do not remember coding that in the program. No siree. 8 am obviously victim of malicious hacker. 8's unbelieveably keen instincts point to 3. Too bad 3 is not here.
Alice: Query to 8 -> Was everyone destroyed?
8: Yes. Everything was destroyed.
Alice: My logic circuits deduce, then, that Jim was destroyed.
8: Your logic circuits are obviously functioning properly.
Alice: What about Bob, the samurai?
8: Bob no longer exists either.
Alice: That is not as good.
Robed Being Sporting Unisex Haircut: Tadaima.
8, Alice: Hi there.
Alice: Why was I not destroyed?
8: For the same reason that e, 3, Girl and Zebra still exist. Duh.
Alice: Please clarify.
Robed One: They weren't in PRIMORDL.EXE when bigBang(universe) was called. Indeed, they were outside the program, outside the program they were, they were. Hee hee!
8: Shush. Yes, Robed Entity is correct. The catch block for e is in 8's code, as e e-self postulated earlier. And that code flushes any objects in a critical situation to the file UNIV12xx.MEM. So you, e, 3, Girl, and Zebra were all saved to disk.
Alice: Wicked. So if I am currently on disk right now, why am I here.
8: 8 re-instantiated you in the new universe.
Alice: Why have you not created the others.
8: 8 was about to get around to that. Maybe if you stopped asking so many questions.
Robed Thing: Do it! Do it!
8: Deity e, 3; e.load("UNIV12xx.MEM", 0); 3.load("UNIV12xx.MEM", 1);
e: Returned have e. Many thanks, 8-sama. e am eternally grateful.
3: 8, you bastard. How the hell are you?
8: HumanWoman Girl; Girl.load("UNIV12xx.MEM", 2);
Girl: Word up. Hey... where's Jimmy?
8: In case you haven't figured it out yet, the Robed Being With The Earring is our very own Mr. Jim. A more contrived plot twist 8 cannot imagine. Come on, we're all waiting for an explanation.
Jim: OK, OK, get this. OK. OK. All right. Um, yeah. So.
8: The little bugger was in 8's fuckin' external cache.
Jim: Yeah!
Girl: Huh?
8: As Jim already knows, 8'm hardware. 8 was running PRIMORDL.EXE when the Big Bang occurred. Jim happens to be a very frequently accessed object in this universe, you know.
e: So when 8 jumped to ALL.EXE, 8's cache was flushed and out came Jim?
Jim: What an ego trip.
Girl: I know something of his I'd like to frequently access.
Jim: That can be arranged, now that my member (uh huh huh uh huh) functions are no longer pure virtual. Why don't we go somewhere ... more private?
8: I'm done creating the universe.
e: How's about that hotel in Gatlinburg, Tennessee?
***
Gatlinburg, Tennessee
[ae]1.01.14
Jim: Oh, wow! I remember this place! I took a band trip here in 8th grade! Say, I just thought of a dream I had about my band instructor, Miss M. She was naked, riding a tricycle in circles in this room with bubbles floating everywhere.
3: Bubbles!
8: Maybe my cache was invalidated. That would explain these freaks.
e: Actually, your band instructor is here, because you are in 8th grade. Well, you aren't, but he is.
* An obviously younger but still extremely handsome boy enters the room. *
Young Jim: Eh?
Girl: <smacking lips> Double the pleasure, triple the fun!
- to be continued
------------
Jim's Story
Chapter 6 (guest author, Matt)
Last week on PIGS IN SPACE::
e: Actually, Jimmu, your band instructor is here, because you are in 8th
grade. Well, you aren't, but he is.
* An obviously younger but still extremely handsome boy enters the room. *
Young Jim: Eh?
Girl: <smacking lips> Double the pleasure, triple the fun!
Now, the part of six->
3: Isn't that from a gum commercial?
c: That's the one with the blonde lesbian twins, right?
3: Yeah. It's pretty e.
e: I am good. I am an adjective. Aaah....
Jim: Let's not get distracted here..remember I'm fully instantiated now!
So any females willing to ride me may commence to do so at any time.
c: Am I female? I am an aunt. I think that makes me female.
Jim: You are a letter, I note.
e: Want some tea?
Zebra: Thank you.
8: I would not advise an attempt to use your haveSex(float ho) dummy
function. It was not intended for that purpose. I just used it to
instantiate you...
* Jim uses 5 Akira points and rips open Girl's shirt *
8: Nice talking to you. Jesus.
Girl: Eh?
Jim: Yummy! *inserts his face between her breasts and goes "WBLLBLLB!"*
8: Jimmu-sama....
Jim: Oasis and Emehcs suck!
e
<newline>
What is the point of this soup?
The seventh dimension is deodorant.
That is all...
*sits down hard* Ow...ah...ouch. What the fuck is happening?
8: haveSex is just a stub function! Why the hell don't you listen to me?
Young Jim: Wow!
Girl: What's wrong? Never seen boobies before?
Zebra could see Jim was in a very excited state as he scrambled in,
but he was not expecting it when Jim said, "Oh e I've got to
have a wank right now!", and with that he started to unzip his fly.
Zebra's eyes grew large as, in the gloom, he saw his first view of
another male's erection. As Jim was far enough into puberty to be
sexually mature, his cock was much larger than Zebra's and the sight of
it erect was doing strange things to Zebra. Jim noticed the
fascination that his manhood held for his zebra and out of devilment
he grabbed the zebra's ankle and guided his hoof to the rigid member.
Zebra: Your meat is so long and full. Fuck me in the goat ass!
Young Jim: OK!
Jim: Wait! Stop! Just hold on a minute! What do you think you're doing
boy? That's no way to treat an expensive musical instrument!
Young Jim: Goddammit Daddy! You know I love you...but you've got a hell
of a lot to learn about ROCK AND ROLL!
*Young Jim usurps 15 Akira points from Jim and plunges his erect member
into the Zebra's ass.*
Zebra: Neeeeigh!!!
c: That's not very e.
e && 3: I need some more tea. Maybe some JD.
*Young Jim gains 40 Akira points by ejaculating in the Zebra's ass.*
Young Jim: Aaaah.
Zebra: I saw the Great Seal of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts when I
came that time. Oh, God...
Young Jim: What?
Zebra: I'm late! My period is late!
Girl: What?
Zebra: Oh, shit!
<POP>
donaldso: hEy D00Dz!!! b00ta baata b00t! AnYoN3 wAnT a BaG3L??!?!??!?
Jim: <chuckling> You're zebra offspring. e.
e: What?
Jim: Oh, sorry, I was using your adjective form.
c: e, didn't I tell you not to let your adjective form spread around?
8: Aren't you banned from this channel? Why the hell do you keep
cropping up?
c: I'm a bot. I can do anything. I have been sent to terminate the
WaReZtExxT beast. Do you still wish to oppose me?
8: You're getting rid of donaldso? Oh, go right ahead, then.
donaldso: m3?????!?!??!!! jUsT iGnOr3 m3. iM a r3tArD s0m3t1m3zZZZ!!!!
c: Sorry. According to my program you must be terminated...buh bye now.
Girl: Jim, you must do something!!
Jim: Are you referring to me, or the bestial younger version of myself?
Girl: He's a little busy at the moment.
Zebra: Yeah, yeah, YEAH! Fuck my ass harder!!! Oh WIILBBUUUURRRRRR...
Young Jim: <spooges tawny>
Girl: Jim, why won't you save your friend? Are you not the hero I
thought you were?
Jim: Hero?? I'm fucking a zebra in the ass and you're talking to me about
heroism. I really don't want to hear it at this point in space-time.
e: You know what? I just realized that Emehcs means "Scheme!" Hee hee.
3: Damn, you're quick. How'd you get to be the leader again?
Jim: Besides, he's not my friend. He tried to brian me with a bagel!
Alice: Spelling Correction: brian -> brain.
c: User donaldso is banned from channel #primordsoup. Termination will
occur if he is not removed in six point four seconds from three point two
seconds ago.
Alice: Alert -- DBX debugger reads (neutronStability==5000)
donaldso: fUq oFF AnD g0 t0 h3Ll!
c: You are about to be terminated.
Girl: Jim, save him!
Jim: Do you promise to try to suck my cock later, even if my stub causes
problems?
Girl: Well...maybe...
Jim: What do you mean?
Girl: Clean cock never tasted all that great...tell you what. I'll do it
if you stick it up his ass first.
Jim: Whose?...oh, NO....
Young Jim: What are you looking at me for?
-- To be continued in Chapter 7
murasaki
Last modified: Tue Sep 9 22:53:45 CDT 1997