Jim's Story
Chapter 7
When last we left our intrepid Hero:
8: You're getting rid of donaldso? Oh, go right ahead, then.
donaldso: m3?????!?!??!!! jUsT iGnOr3 m3. iM a r3tArD s0m3t1m3zZZZ!!!!
c: Sorry. According to my program you must be terminated...buh bye now.
Girl: Jim, why won't you save your friend? Are you not the hero I thought you were?
Jim: Do you promise to try to suck my cock later, even if my stub causes problems?
Girl: Clean cock never tasted all that great...tell you what. I'll do it if you stick it up his ass first.
Jim: Whose?...oh, NO....
And now, part 7.
Jim: Up his ass? Up his ASS? I ain't stickin' my dick in THERE! What kind of a family story is this, anyway?
Girl: Just shut up and fuck yourself in the butt, man. I mean, jeez, it's not like you haven't wanted to since you were 5 and swallowed that penny. It turned you on when your mom dug through your shit in the diaper, didn't it.
Jim: So the question is, how far would I go for a little pussy?
Girl: My pussy is bubble-gum.
donaldso: h3Y, h3lP m3 oUt h3r3, d00dZ!!
Jim: e dammit. <sigh> Hey, Alice.
irc.xorinia.dim.gov: donaldso has been banned from #primordsoup by c
Connected to irc.pheasant.org.
irc.pheasant.org: Welcome, ursetto! Make yourself at home. Remember, no Bots allowed!
=> /join #wHoR3
: ursetto has created channel #wHoR3
=> /mode * +i
*** Mode change '+i' on channel #wHoR3 by ursetto (invite-only)
=> /invite donaldso *
*** donaldso has joined channel #wHoR3
=> /mode * +o donaldso
*** Mode change '+o donaldso' on channel #wHoR3 by ursetto (chanop privileges)
=> /whois donaldso
*** donaldso is donaldso@boota.baata.boot.gov (donaldson christopher patrick)
*** on channels: #@wHoR3
*** on irc via server irc.pheasant.org
*** donaldso is an IRC operator
=> /leave #wHoR3
Alice: Logged off.
Jim: Aa. Now everyone can be happy (except, of course, for me).
c: You bastard. I can't touch him on an invite-only channel. But at least he's not in this universe anymore.
Girl: So? You gonna clean out little Jim's cornhole? Here, try this battery brush.
Jim: <pensing> Something's fishy here, but I can't put my finger on it.
Girl: I'm about to let you put your finger in me.
Jim: O. Hey e?
e: I'm here, Jim.
Jim: Oh, good. I was afraid you'd abandoned me.
e: I would never leave you. Trust me.
Jim: Thanks, e. So, d'ju instantiate the Zebra?
e: Nope, shore didn't.
3 || 8: Hmmm. Neither did we. That's mighty strange.
Jim: And it couldn't've been Alice. That leaves only...
All except Girl: Girl!
Jim: But you're not really Girl, are you? I've known her for too long - Girl would never force me to plug and chug with my younger self. That means you must be ... you're ... I can't say it ... mmmmm ... K!
e: Ow!
* It begins to rain heavily. *
K: HahahahaHA. Foolish jizzlobbers. To think you would let your guard down ...
3: throw (K);
K: ... at a time like this. I had you all totally convinced.
8: I knew it was you all the time.
Jim: I knew that wasn't the real young me, just a cheap facsimile.
Alice: Warning: K detected somewhere nearby.
K: Now, young Skywalker - you will die.
e: Never!
e approaches K with awesome speed, and they become entwined in a battle no one is likely to ever fully understand. The tremendous purple powers of e seem exactly balanced by the incredible force of K. e receives lusty catcalls and cheers from the audience, especially Jim. As the battle rages on, the spectators begin to feel all tingly from the excess energy in the air. e suddenly takes the upper hand, stuns K and opens an e-portal for the others.
e: Quick, everybody! K can't follow without destroying both of us!
Jim: Catch ya later, e! Boioioioioioioioing... <Jim enters the portal.>
3: At last... home-cooked meals.
8: And ice-cream [sl(u)rp]. Lez go. <3 and 8 do the portal thing too.>
Alice: Chotto matte kure ... <Alice jumps in.>
The Zebra and the facsimile of Young Jim, now very much in love, decide to remain in 1991 to raise a family.
e: Here I come! <e dashes toward the portal.>
Unfortunately for e (and the rest of the universe, many believe), K recovers. Just as e is about to repatriate, K takes aim and hits e dead-on in the back. e crumples to the ground.
***
Jim: Jesus Who. We were lucky to get out of there alive.
3: Mmmmm. Spaghetti.
Jim: What is this place?
8: It's our hometown. Or home dimension, to be exact.
3: Yeah! Meatballs!
8: This place is e's mansion, but 3 and I live here along with the retarded butler. Excuse me. *Mentally challenged* butler.
Jim: You guys have a butler?
8: Well, yeah. When you keep the multiverse in order, who has time to clean?
Jim: I thought cleaning was a maid's job.
3: Shhh! The retard'll hear you.
8: That was pretty sexist. "I thought cleaning was a maid's job"?
Jim: It wasn't sexist. A guy can be a maid. You'd think omniscient entities would know that already.
Alice: Yes, you'd think.
3: Ippon!
8: <muttering> ... douche bag ... <out loud> Okay, I'm just gonna kick back and relax now that everything's back to normal.
Jim: Hey... hey, hey, hey. Holy Fat Albert! Wait a second!
8: Time has no meaning here, since we're not subject to fourth-dimensional whims.
Jim: All right, but where's e???
3: I thought e was with you.
Alice: e did not follow us through the portal.
Jim: O, no! I hope e's all right! Do you think e's still back there with <shudder> that thing?
8: There's only one way to find out!
Jim: What is it?
8: I'm not sure. But there's only one way.
Alice: The author of this story must come up with an ingenious yet completely plausible plot device to help us locate e, or the story will come to a dead end.
3: Hmmm.
8: I see.
Jim: Ah.
3: ...
8: Hmmm.
Jim: Ho hum.
3: Maybe he just needs a little time.
8: Yawn.
Butler: Master 3?
3: Not now! We're busy waiting.
Butler: But sir...
8: He said get out of here!
Butler: Yes, sir.
Jim: You guys treat him so badly. I can't believe you pose as benevolent creatures.
8: I make no pretense of being benevolent.
3: Nor do I. e's the sissy one.
Butler: Master 8?
8: What the fuck do you want, you stupid retard?
Butler: While I was cleaning your room (a maid's job, the butler mutters under his breath) I found this toy Super-Duper Auto-Homing Crystalline Signal Receiver. Remember? The toy you needed 1275 UPC symbols for? Remember all those boxes of Frosted e you ate? Even though you were allergic to it? And remember when e accidentally swallowed the Transmitter? I've been searching e's excrement and I haven't found it yet.
3: What does this have to do with anything?
The butler throws up his hands in exasperation and disappears. In his absence the Receiver clatters to the ground, due to gravity. Jim retrieves it.
Jim: I don't think the butler's retarded at all.
8: Well, he sure could've fooled me.
Jim: How do you turn this thing on? Oh.
The crew is suddenly enveloped by a crimson aura. The Receiver, now actively seeking the Transmitter and hopefully e, teleports them across time and space, to the great unknown. With Jim's luck, there won't be any willing females there either.
- to be continued, in chapter 9 -
-------------------------
Jim's Story
Chapter 9 (by Mandrake)
Next, on MURDER, SHE WROTE:
The butler throws up his hands in exasperation and disappears. In his
absence the Receiver clatters to the ground, due to gravity. Jim retrieves
it.
Jim: I don't think the butler's retarded at all.
8: Well, he sure could've fooled me.
Jim: How do you turn this thing on? Oh.
The crew is suddenly enveloped by a crimson aura. The Receiver, now actively
seeking the Transmitter and hopefully e, teleports them across time and
space, to the great unknown. With Jim's luck, there won't be any willing
females there either.
And now, PART 9 (part 8 skipped so someone else can have the honor of
writing it):
<SLAM>
Jim: Ow! Where are we now?
3: Dammit! This one strand of spaghetti in my mouth is still stretched
back to e's mansion. That's inconvenient.
Jim: What's this? What's this purple stuff on the ground?
Alice: Remains.
Jim: Eh? Of what?
Alice: That's all. I just solved the riddle, "Mains and Remains are on a
boat. Mains falls off. Who's left?" It was passed to me by a computer
in Venezuela who needed help with that part of it.
Jim: What is this fucking purple stuff?
3: It's the worst, I'm afraid...
8: It's e guts. Whoa! What the hell is this? I think I found e's colon!
3: Wow, here's another one over here. e had two colons?
8: That was obviously the source of his power.
3: Soo desu ka. Now that we have them, WE should really kick ass, right?
Jim: I can't believe this! e is dead and you guys are just being greedy
about latching on to his power??!
3: If we get his power back, we could probably bring him back, too...
8: Not that I'd be inclined to. e'd just make me work around the house
and clean the butler's bedpan. That never was my favorite job.
3: I always preferred licking the enema nozzle clean.
Jim: Blech. I don't feel so good. The foundation of my life is like,
dead or something.
[To the north, a castle appears.]
Jim: Wow. That castle looks pretty...looks pretty...GYAAGH! I can't say it!
3: It looks pretty 3, Jim. I know it sounds strange, but after a while
you'll get used to it.
[Jim sighs, and a tree walks past]
Tree: And onward shall we go, to storm the castle Dunsinane, and slay the
tyrannous inhabitants.
8: He said this dunce is inane, and he's right...what do you want me to
do with these colons?
3: Shh! Let's follow the tree!
[3 && 8 && Jim follow the tree. Alice stays behind to make some cookies.]
Alice: Error: ALS.H - Sexual bias in function ALS.bake(DWORD cookies)
Jim: This all seems very familiar to me.
3: This is a scene from Hamlet!
Jim: No, it's not Hamlet...that's close, though...I think it's Othello.
8: Shut up before I dereference this base nine equation on yo buttox, bitz.
3: Shh! Here there? Wait. That's not right.
Alice: Error: VOCAB.DAT - Aphasia in data member _3
3: I mean, hear that? Yeah.
Jim: Look! A shouting madman running in our general erection!
[Donalbain, the screaming man, plows into everyone.]
Donalbain: What ho, fair lads! I must get to Ireland!
8: Whoo, I don't know...all I've got is these colons.
Donalbain: Och! That's more than enough! I've got a pointer!
Jim: To WHAT?
Donalbain: To a travel function! Give me those.
[Donalbain gains 20 Akira points by accepting the colons.]
Donalbain: See? We just hae to make them inta a scope resolution
operator, as such:
::travel(Ripstream);
Donalbain: and now I've referenced the GLOBAL member function, so I can
go anywhere on the globe!
3,8,Jim: Groan.
Donalbain: <groan>
3: That's wasn't an order.
8: No, it wasn't in order. The disorder (aka entropy) of the universe is
increasing. Less and less things are in order.
Jim: My ass is on back order.
Alice: Appending: ass -> conniving lesbian ass.
8: Fucking bastard took e's colons.
Donalbain: I promise I'll give them back.
3: That's what Caesar said when I lent him my ears..he still hasn't.
Jim: Yeah. Sheeeiit.
[screams from over a nearby hill]
8: What's that? What's going on?
Ophelia: There! That's them! Seize them, Laertes!
Laertes: The first of those to move will be the first to part with his head!
[3,8,Jim,Donalbain,Alice put their hands up. 3 loses his hold on the
strand of spaghetti linking them with e's mansion. The spaghetti is
promptly consumed by a blue mutant otter.]
Laertes: You all moved! You all put your hands up after I told you that
I'd kill the first one to move! What's your problems?
Jim: e is dead.
Laertes: <grunt> Ophelia, which one moved first?
Ophelia: I think it was the ALS. Let's sever her network connection.
Alice: Fatal Error: Hardware connection severed. Urk.
Jim: AIEEEE! Why are you doing this to me? e is already dead!
Laertes: Be that as it may...we have not yet found what we want.
Jim: And what is that?
Laertes: We are searching for the Super-Duper Auto-Homing Crystalline
Signal Receiver. We are currently in possession of the transmitter...
Jim,3,8: <gulp>
Donalbain: What was that???!??!? What's all that gulping about???
Laertes: You wouldn't happen to know where that is...would you?
3: [shrieking] Ask the butler! Ask the butler!
8: [conspiratorially to Jim] If they have the transmitter, they must know
where e is!
Jim: e!
Ophelia: Laertes! He said it! The one with the infected ear said it!
Kill his ass!
[Jim expends 85 Akira points by invoking the DEAF spell, which keeps
Ophelia's screams from reaching Laertes.]
Alice: Fatal Error: Hardware connection not reconnected yet. Bleeugh.
Laertes: Let me show you what will happen if you don't tell me, right
now, where that receiver is...
[He proceeds to use his sword to slice a convenient hunk of granite that
is residing nearby. A turtle nearby has an orgasm.]
Laertes: That is your head! <POP> <CRUSH> <MANGLE> Got the fucking
message???!!?! WHERE IS THE TRANSMITTER??!?!??!?!??!!!
8: throw (3)
<PLONK>
[Our heroes are in a warehouse.]
3: Quick, find somewhere to hide! Laertes and Ophelia might throw me any
second and follow!
[e,3,8,Donalbain run and hide under a loading ramp. Door to the
warehouse opens. Footsteps, then--]
Eddie: What the fuck's goin' on here?
Pink: Hey! Nice Guy! We got a cop!
Eddie: Holy shit, Orange is dead!
White: No he's not, but he will be soon if we don't get him to a doctor.
What're you going to do about it?
Eddie: Just hold on, I got a couple questions of my own here.
White: You ain't dying. He is.
Eddie: Okay, Mr. Fucking COMPASSION, I will CALL someone!
White: Who?
Eddie: A fucking snake charmer! Whaddya think?!! I'll call a doctor!
8: This probably was a bad place to put your throw to, eh?
Pink: Wait, did you guys hear that?
Eddie: I heard something.
White: It came from under the ramp!
3: Way to go, assmunch.
8: Goddammit...
[MR WHITE sticks his head under the ramp, gun drawn]
White: Well, well, well...what have we here?
TO BE CONTINUED--in chapter 8...
--------------------------
Jim's Story
Chapter 8
Last time, on Charlie's Angels:
[Our heroes are in a warehouse.]
8: This probably was a bad place to put your throw to, eh?
Pink: Wait, did you guys hear that?
White: It came from under the ramp!
White: Well, well, well...what have we here?
And now, part 8.
Jim: <Aside> Fuckin' e. I'm out of Akira, the Receiver's out of batteries, and we're out of options. What's the point? I'm giving up.
3: Wait.
8: <extruding self from under ramp> Golly, mister, who're you? Giggle!
White: Aw, look, guys. It's fuckin' Shirley Temple. What a cute fuckin' kid.
Pink: <pacing furiously> Fuckin' kill the bitch. Just fuckin' waste her, White. She heard us talkin', man. This is fucked up. This is real fucked up.
8: You shouldn't use that kind of language, mister. It's dirty!
White: I ain't gonna waste her, you fuck. She's just a little kid. You wuddint tell anyone, wud yu, liddle girl?
8: Golly, mister, I sure wouldn't! [8 begins to sing and dance.]
> Mr. White is distracted by 8's dimples for the time being. <
> Meanwhile, 3 squirms out from under the ramp. <
3: Hey, sexy. How's they hangin'?
Eddie: Lords of Light! It's Pam Grier, star of countless blaxploitation films of the 70's! I've always wanted to meat you!
3: I have somethin' I think you'd like to see. Let's go in the back and I'll show you.
> Pam (actually 3) and Nice Guy Eddie go into the back. <
Jim: Our e, who art in Xorinia, hallowed be thy letter. Thy dimension come, thy will be done... what the hell's in my jacket pocket. Nani? A packet of instant coffee?
Pink: I still think you should take her out, White.
Jim: <suddenly realizing he's wearing Bitch Magnet> Oh! It must be from that ice-cream shop in Chapter 3. But where could I find hot liquid in a place like this?
Pink: Hey, Jesus Q! There's still someone under there!
<ziiiiiiip> [Jim gains two points of Akira.]
Jim: Hi there. I'm Jim, and I'll be your waiter for today.
Pink: Ah, finally, some real fuckin' service. Bring me a coffee - and make it quick.
Eddie: <shouting from the back> Excuse me, Mr. Pink, but the last thing you need's a cup of coffee.
Pink: I mean, Jesus Christ, these people aren't starving to death. They're making minimum wage.
Jim: You don't care that some of these girls are counting on your tips to live?
Pink: See this? This is the world's smallest violin playing just for the waitresses.
[White raises a spoon at Pink in a threatening manner.]
Jim: Here's your coffee, sir.
Pink: And it's about fuckin' time.
~He sips.~
Pink: Mmmm. That's some good fuckin' coffee. How'd you make it?
Jim: Have some more.
Pink: Mmmmm. Good.
Jim: You really like it? Go on, have some more.
Pink: Really, it's excellent. What's in it?
Jim: You really want to know?
Pink: Come on, tell me!
Jim: I made it with my very own...
Pink: Aaaaaaaugh! To be, or not to be! <He explodes in a pink mess.>
Captain Sulu: Target that explosion and fire!
Captain Kirk: Fire!
[Jim uses his last 2 points of Akira to charge the Receiver's batteries. Its display flickers into life and Jim punches the Seek button an instant before the warehouse, and everything in it, is destroyed.]
----------
Jim's Story
Chapter 8.3: Paco's Tacos
Jim found himself standing in what he correctly surmised was a pub. There were only a few scattered patrons, all sitting by themselves, nursing a drink or staring into space or maybe both. No one looked like they wanted company, so Jim walked over to the bar and asked for a strong one.
"Right away," said the bartender in a resonating bass tone. He gave Jim a strange look and then turned away to get the drink.
Jim sat down on one of the barstools and spun around a few times. Against his better judgement, he allowed himself to reflect on what had happened so far.
The bartender returned shortly and handed Jim his drink. Jim reached into his pocket to pay.
"It's on the house," said the bartender, which was good because Jim was broke. He gave Jim a funny look again. "What's on your mind, kid?"
"It's a long story," replied Jim.
"I got a lot of time," said the bartender.
The bartender seemed sincerely interested in what Jim had to say.
"So, Jim," said the bartender, after Jim had finished. "You don't mind if I call you Jim, do you?"
"Everybody else does."
"So, the whole foundation of your existence is crumbling."
"Yep. My philosophy is worthless. e is dead, and 3 and 8 are probably too. My only female friend is who knows where. And my computer can't even talk to me."
"I'm sure it'll turn out all right in the end," said the bartender.
"That's just the point. It can't turn out all right. Not with everything that defines me gone. Theoretically, I shouldn't even exist anymore."
"Whoa, careful there, buddy. You don't want a repeat of that fiasco." The bartender did not like the direction this conversation was headed in. He had hoped to cheer this guy up.
"I guess," sighed Jim. The tinkle of a bell announced the arrival of two new patrons, a woman with a small girl in tow.
"Look, kid. You're far more important to this universe than you think."
"What the hell's that supposed to mean, coming from a bartender?"
The bartender chuckled. "Trust me, kid. I know."
The woman sat down on the stool next to Jim and dug around in her purse for a nickel for the little girl. Evidently happy to be free from the woman's clutches, the girl ran over to the jukebox. Jim recognized the first strains of the song she played as Etta James' "At Last".
"Hi there," said the bartender.
"What up, G-Money," said the woman.
"What can I do you for?" asked the bartender.
"Just a gin and tonic for me and a soda pop for the kid."
The bartender obliged her.
"At last.... my love has come around..."
A man wearing a blue blazer came out of the bathroom at the far end of the pub and walked over to the bar proper. "Wow, this place is livening up," he remarked. "Too bad. I prefer it quiet."
"My lonely days are over... and life is like a song..."
"Who's that cutie-pie?" asked the man, motioning toward the little girl scampering between the tables.
The woman furrowed her brow prettily. "Actually, I'm not sure. It sounds weird, doesn't it. But about an hour ago I found myself lying on the ground outside this bar with almost no recollection of anything, not even my name. And that girl was sitting on the side of the road crying her eyes out. She said the same thing happened to her - she just woke up all of a sudden out here and couldn't remember anything. Except that she was 8 years old. She kept reminding me she was 8, like that was the only memory she had to hold on to."
"Christ!" said the man. "The same thing happened to me! I've been here ever since yesterday. Not that I mind, with the free drinks and all."
"This is eerie," said Jim. "I wound up inside this bar a little while ago. But I can remember how I got here."
"How?" asked the man and the woman.
"Well, I was tracking someone with a homing device and it led me here. Though I haven't figured out why yet. Obviously my target isn't here."
"The Receiver didn't bring you here," said the bartender. "I did."
"Whaaat?" yelled Jim.
"This is a transit point. Any time a permanent being is destroyed, it comes here to be recreated."
"You're saying I was destroyed? And ... that I'm immortal?" asked Jim incredulously.
"Well, you weren't destroyed. I rescued you," replied the bartender. "Otherwise you wouldn't remember a thing. e, 3, and 8 were destroyed, so they can't remember anything. Although you have been here several times before."
"I don't remember that," said Jim.
"Of course not," replied the bartender.
"So why bring me here now?"
"The GameMaster Consortium deemed it necessary that all of you be reunited."
"Reunited? You mean...?"
"Yes," acknowledged the bartender. "That man is e. The woman is 3, and the little girl is 8. Whenever a being arrives here, they're assigned a temporary form, which remains until they leave."
"So if they have, um, amnesia, they have no idea what we're saying?"
"Oh, I'm sure there are some residual memories that could make sense of a small portion of this, but overall, they're clueless."
"What about Alice and Girl?"
"Alice's philotic connection to you will be restored as soon as you leave, but her network functions will take some time. Girl is another matter entirely. She was destroyed by K, so we reinstantiated her from 8's backup copy."
"Where is she now?"
"I'm afraid I can't tell you that. Her presence with your group made things too chaotic for us to handle. It is generally not recommended for you to retrieve her."
"So here we are. Back to square one. Everyone's OK and I'm still not getting any," said Jim.
The bartender rolled his eyes. "Sex is the least of your worries. You, along with your group, still have to complete your primary mission."
"Which is?"
At that moment, Jim, e, 3, and 8 began to glow green. "What's my mission?" Jim screamed. "What's my purpose?! Tell me!"
But he found himself shouting at the blue sky above.
To be continued... in time...
murasaki
Last modified: Tue Sep 9 23:05:29 CDT 1997