Jim's Story
Chapter 1

Once there was an average Joe named Jim. Jim was always very sad because people would treat him badly. His friends would yell at him and throw things at the back of his head when he wasn't looking. Besides his friends, no one would ever talk to him, not even the most depraved, nymphomaniac sluts. Basically, Jim's life sucked dick. The only thing the poor lad had going for him was the letter e. Yes, you heard me, the letter e. Because of his extreme isolation from society, Jim had invented a fantasy world in which he had entire conversations with a letter of the alphabet, namely e. His conversations would typically run as follows:

Jim: e?

e: I'm here, Jim.

Jim: Oh, good. I was afraid you'd abandoned me.

e: I would never leave you. Trust me.

Jim: Thanks, e. So what's going on?

e: Not much. What's up with you?

Jim: Today one of my friends threw an object at the back of my head.

e: Again? What'd you retaliate with?

Jim: I was going to kill him, but I pulled my kick at the last moment.

e: Jim, you'll never get anywhere unless you resort to violence.

Jim: I'm pointless.

e: Yeah.

Jim: The universe needs to be rebooted, E.

e: Don't refer to me in uppercase.

Jim: Sorry.

e: Don't you have Tae Kwon Do tonight?

Jim: I should've killed him.

Alice: You've got mail.

Jim: <reading> "To Wong Foo: Thanks for Everything."

e: It's signed Julie Newmar.

Alice: It's currently 15:28:05 on [ae]6 April 25 (Thursday).

Jim: Crap, I do have TKD tonight.

e: You don't have to go.

Jim: Yes I do.

e: Are you sure you want to reboot the universe?

Jim: Nah, why ruin it for everyone else. Just destroy me.

e: If I destroy you, all objects philotically connected to you will be destroyed simultaneously.

Jim: Bob Dylan sucks. I mean really sucks. I can't stand his voice.

Alice: Sensors report temporal anomaly at relative (34, 20, 1) meters.

Jim: I don't remember creating a jump gate there.

e: A jump gate is a spatial anomaly, not a temporal one.

Alice: The temporal anomaly has stabilized with radius .95 m.

Jim: Shall we?

e: Lightning's striking again. If you want to enter, hayaku itta hoo ga ii ne.

Alice: Lingual auto-translation is disabled.

Jim: Lez go.

* The jump gate was entered by Jim. (And Alice, obviously.) *

Alice: Diagnostic complete. System status OK. Hits 210/388. Akira count is 161 of 180 possible.

Jim: What a headache.

Alice: It's currently 10:31:32 on [be]30 April 25 (Tuesday).

Jim: 1961?

e: e...

3: 3...

8: 8.

Jim: Oh, hi. What's my 20?

Alice: Our current location is San Jose International Airport, San Jose, California.

Jim: Why's my head tingling?

Alice: I detect the presence of a rather large field of e which is conducive to the utilization of Akira points without benefit of a psionic amplifier.

Jim: I thought the only known field of that type was on enigma-3.

e: You thought wrong.

Girl: <thinking> Lucy in the skyyyy with diamonds...

Jim: <loud feedback whine> Screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee... Oh my god, oh my god, oh god, oh god...

e: Your ear's fine. The feedback in your brain is from talking and hearing yourself talk at the same time, then broadcasting it again.

Alice: Ambient temperature is 81 degrees F. It's partly cloudy with a 20% chance of thunderstorms.

3: Interesting - I've never seen that flavor of ice cream before.

Jim: I'd like to visit my mom. She's twelve now, you know.

8: That wouldn't be smart. That would not be smart. Brrr....

Girl: <thinking> I'd be safe and warm if I was in LA
California dreamin' on such a winter's day...

Prof. Feynman: Where the hell's my connecting flight?

Jim: So what do I do now, e, 3, and 8?

e: Go talk to that girl.

Jim: Didn't you read the introduction? "Besides his friends, no one would ever talk to him, not even the most depraved, nymphomaniac sluts". It's pointless.

3: So's this soup.

Jim uses 5 Akira points.

Jim: She doesn't even notice that I'm here. Her brian said so.

Alice: Spelling correction : brian -> brain

e: Of course not. Understand you not about temporal mechanics? People outside your lifespan can't see you.

Girl: <removing cap and smoothing hair> Hi there.

Jim: Hi yourself. What'cha doin'?

Girl: Just chillin'. Where ya from?

Jim: 1996.

Girl: Really? I'm from 2015 myself.

Jim: Wow - you're 23? You don't look a day over 19.

Girl: Yep.

Jim: Koko e ichido kita koto ga aru yo. Hen na kuukoo da ne.

Girl: Hontoo ni aru? Itsu?

Jim: 1993 ka 1994 datta.

Girl: Soo ka. Why are you back here?

Jim: 1996 is stupid. Everyone disses me there. I have nothing to look forward to, and exactly 35 years from now a space-time gate appeared next to my place of residence. So I stepped in.

Girl: Oh, of course. I enjoy your earring, by the way. Did e have anything to do with this?

Jim: e? Did you?

e: Well ... maybe. You've gotta admit it turned out pretty well, though. I mean, someone will actually talk to you without pelting you with stuff.

Jim: My roommate never threw anything at me.

3: That's because he was never awake.

Jim: So what's your name?

e: e.

3: 3.

8: 8.

Alice: Autonomic Learning System (ALS).

Girl: I can't tell you that.

Jim: OK. I'm Jim.

Girl: Pleased to meat you all.

Jim: Hey, you want an ice-cream?

Girl: Mmm. Mm. Mmmm. Sounds good.


Jim's Story
Chapter 2 (guest author, Kralor)

Jim: It is good. Here, have a scoopie.

Girl: Heehee. Your use of the diminuitive form is charming.

Jim: Senawa rikuu soo nanenaru.

Girl: Soo ka.

Jim: Just out of curiosity, was there a Freudian intention in the word
"meat" you used in place of "meet" several sentences ago?

Alice: The inquiry you have made is simply a misunderstanding of dialect.

Girl: Eh? Nani? Who IS that thing?

Alice: I am the Autonomic Learning System, or ALS. Pleased to meat you.

Jim: Just out of curiosity, was there a Freudian intention in the word
"meat" you used in place of "meet" several sentences ago?

e: Here they go again. Maybe somebody should throw me.

3: I'd try to, but 3 don't know if 8 could catch you.

8: It'd be virtually impossible; static cling is late binding my arms inline.

8 breaks the static cling with a mutable, using 20 Akira points of its
infinite supply.

Jim: Wait, wait...don't reset the universe just yet. <sighs> I'll stop,
I guess. Even you guys won't let me be myself.

e: Sure we will, Jim. We revel in your existence. At last someone has
noticed us and assigned us some significance.

8: It's about damn time, too.

e: Quiet. It's just that to allow a temporal causality loop, like that
you nearly created, would be more damaging to the universe that a clean
restart. The causality loop will be SIGBUS trapped and cold stopped, not
allowing for reallocation of intelligence and sentience objects. It
could take cent-eons to sort it all out. If e am thrown, then
REALITY.SYS makes a clean reboot.

Jim: I guess I should be more careful sometimes, huh?

e: You don't recognize the strength of your chi.

3: At times, it is necessary that you exercise more caution.

8: This is some damn good ice cream!

Girl: Yeah! <slurps>

e: You see, you are one of the base classes of our program, ALL.EXE.

Jim: Nani??? I am? Why? Why do I feel so inferior if I am really such
a basic portion of the universe; why do I feel so insignificant?

e: You're actually the base class of humanity.

Jim: Wow!

e: Yes.

Girl: So you mean...I'm derived from him?

3: That's right. All humans are. You just happen to have your "gender"
data member set to "_FEMALE", and you were instantiated slightly later in
the program.

8: You are the base class of humans with vaginas.

Girl: I see.

e: But, Jim, you must understand...your being the base class is a
tremendous responsibility! Should an instability arise in you...

3: The program is for naught.

Alice: Correction: naught -> naught.

e: ...yes. All of humanity will inherit your instability.

Jim: You haven't answered my question, I note.

e: Ah, yes, your feelings of insignificance. Well, consider if you will,
the problem with being a base class for humanity. It was necessary

Girl: What? What is it?

3: It is most unfortunate, is what it is.

Alice: That which is is. Alice, while Brad had had had had had had had
had had had had a better effect on the teacher. I kicked his ass. Sheeeiit.

e: To make you a suitable base, we had to make you abstract.

Jim: Why? Why not just make me virtual and then redefine everything?
What pure virtual functions do I have?

e: Er...uh...someone throw me.

3: We don't have to throw you. You are asking too many questions,
Jimmu-san. It is best that you do not know.

Jim: Like hell! Dammit, you tell me NOW or I will cut off my fingers!
All your instances of class whatever-I-am will be club-limbed freaks! Is
that what you want?

e: Jim, listen to yourself. You are threatening me. e have been here
for you for six years! Why are you turning on me?

Jim: I don't know. I don't understand.

8: Hey, 8 was here, too.

3: He got you out of a cartoon character's nose during a Yahtzee game.

8: Apparently he yanked you out of his ass.

Jim: Hey, guys, guys. Please, please. Just tell me what pure virtual
functions I have.

e: e'm not sure that would be wise. How would we know you wouldn't just
use your hidden v_table pointer member and activate them using a derived
redefined version?

Jim: I promise.

e: Okay, alright. Your pure virtual functions include haveFun() and
haveSex(float ho).

Girl: Wait...you mean...

3: Yes. Even were Jim willing and ready to have sex, even with a willing
female (or male, as the case may be, 3 mutter under my breath) then he
would be unable. An object of his class is an invalid call to a virtual
function. His pointer offset is undefined. Any attempt on his part to
have sex would be to an undefined segment of memory, and incredibly
dangerous to the stability of ALL.EXE, not to mention REALITY.SYS and

Girl: Oh, yeah? We'll see about that...

- Continued in Chapter 3


Jim's Story
Chapter 3

Last time, on Jim's Story:

e: You see, you are one of the base classes of our program, ALL.EXE.

Jim: Nani??? I am? Why? Why do I feel so inferior if I am really such
a basic portion of the universe; why do I feel so insignificant?

e: You're actually the base class of humanity. To make you a suitable base, we had to make you abstract.

Jim: What pure virtual functions do I have?

e: Your pure virtual functions include haveFun() and haveSex(float ho).

Girl: Oh, yeah? We'll see about that...

And now, part 3.

Jim: Hmmm. So any effort on my part to have sex will result in the universe crashing? I can deal with that.

3: I'm afraid it's not your decision to make. Since you're abstract, the laws of probability (nihongo de: kakuritsu) are written so that for you, slapping shoes is a strict impossibility.

Jim: Slapping shoes?

8: Knockin' boots. Doin' the wild thing. Takin' ol' one eye tuna fishin'. Slappin' the salami in a not-by-yourself way.

Girl: There isn't even a quantum low probability of him getting down?

3: <flushes bright red> Uhh... um, no.

Jim: There has to be a way out of this. Let me cogitate. Alice, full-sensory VR, if you please.

Girl: Anything is possible when you're dealing with quanta.

Zebra: Hickory dickory dock. The bitch was suckin' my cock.

Girl: Excellent! I was just thinking that we needed a new character, although one that wouldn't ruin this story by introducing unnecessary scatological references. Credit is due, though, to Andrew Dice Clay.

Zebra: What... what are you doing? You better not be... Oh, cool. Oh, gross. Oh, cool. What'd you have to do that for? Sorry. By the way, that's from Ben Dover's English Muffins.

2]=> Girl expends 112 Akira points to destroy Zebra. 3 and 8 are surprised.

3 + 8i: 3 and 8 am astonished. Where you learn to do that?

Girl: Oh, you silly omniscient beings. Where you think?

3: I think with my penis.

8: That's why you always make such a small contribution.

Girl: All right, guys.

3: Where'd you get that brilliant insult from?

8: My brian.

Alice: Spelling correction : brian -> brain

Girl: That's so second grade.

3: Need I remind you that e = 3? Clearly I am superior.

8: Need I remind you that 3e = 8? It takes both of you multiplied together to even equal me.

3: OK, bitch, you dead now!

8: Bring it on!

c: Hey! Break it up!

(3, 8): Oh, no! It's Aunt c! Now we're in for it.

c: 3, you're going to have to behave yourself while e's out getting tea. Got that straight, 8?

8: No.

c: Do I have to kill you?

3: throw (c);

---> irc.xorinia.dim.gov: c is banned from channel #multiverse

3: Lookit dat dope inbounds pass! Yo' sorry ass can't stop dat!

8: <calmly> Now I'm mad.

Girl: That's it! Bob!

==> Samurai Bob appears.

Bob: Hai.

Girl: 3 and 8 are arguing. Arguing is prohibited.

Bob: Hai.

~ Bob deals with the problem. After he's done, Bob throws himself.

Girl: Jeez, finally.

Girl: ...

Girl: Hmmm. It doesn't seem as if anyone else is here. What should I do? A, wakatta.


Ice-Cream Shop

You are standing in a small ice-cream shop in San Francisco. The prices in here are outrageous, at least for the 1960's, and what's more, your favourite flavour hasn't even been invented yet. There are a few scattered chairs lying on the floor, and a spotless mop rests in the corner. Obviously the shopkeeper (a very unfriendly-looking chap) isn't into cleaning. Next to you, a door leads outside.

Your sword is emitting a faint blue glow.


Outside the ice-cream shop is your typical urban landscape. Cars with tailfins of various shapes and sizes jam the street, and dense smog obscures your vision after about 200 feet. The constant honking is giving you a massive headache.


Upon further examination of the chairs, you realize that one of them is actually a boy in disguise. He is curled up in the fetal position and sucking his thumb. You recognize the boy as your companion, Jim.


You move toward the mop. The shopkeeper grumbles from behind you. "You ain't gettin' that as long as I'm here."



You draw your sword, which is now glowing bright blue. The shopkeeper squirms out of his jacket and whips out a nasty-looking sub-machine gun. A twenty-minute duel ensues. Unfortunately, he kills you in the end.

You are dead.


Ice-Cream Shop


The shop, which moments before was filled with the incredibly irritating sound of the automobiles outside, suddenly becomes eerily quiet. The shopkeeper looks around and ... smiles? At you, no less. "Gee, thanks," he says. "That's been driving me crazy. Here, take this. It's hot in here anyway." He gives you his jacket as a token of appreciation.



You are wearing Bitch Magnet.


You get the mop.


I don't know how to 'MASTURBATE'.


Jim groggily gets to his feet.

Jim: Thanks, Girl. I tend to lose track of time when I'm in VR.

Girl: So, did you find a solution?

Jim: Think so. Hey, where's 3 and 8?

Girl: They were being annoying. I had Bob take care of them.

3 & 8: We're back now.

Jim: And e?

Girl: e's at tea.

e: e's not at tea anymore.

Jim: So everyone's here then.

3: The Zebra's not -- Girl destroyed him.

8: Oh, Mr. Morals, and who threw Aunt c?

Jim: Zebra? And who the hell is Aunt c?

e: The Zebra is unimportant; he was just a space-filler. c ... well, you'll have to find that out for yourself.

Jim: All right, fine. Listen up, everyone. While I was in VR ...

Alice: ... while he was in VR he found a solution to the no-sex problem.

Jim: Well, not a solution exactly, it's ...

Alice: ... more of a loophole. You see, Jim is the base class of humanity, ...

Jim: ... and as such, I am declared abstract, with pure virtual functions. So I got to thinking.

8: 3 does that with 3's penis, which is exactly as long as 3's IQ, which is 0, I might add (but not divide by).

Jim: An abstract class can't be instantiated. Therefore, I shouldn't even physically exist.

e: No!

|| SYS18112: Page fault in module jim.cpp. Program ALL.EXE will be terminated abnormally. ||

e: Quick! Someone throw me!

3, 8, Girl, Alice, Zebra: throw (e)

- To be continued in Chapter 4

Last modified: Wed Sep 10 11:34:24 CDT 1997